Faith Took a Hit

About ten years ago I completely surrendered each and every corner of my heart and life to the will of God. Even though I became a believer in December of 1975, I hung onto many areas out of fear. Fear that God would do something in my life that I would hate. Fear that I would lose something that was dear to me. Just plain fear with some elements of disobedience, mistrust and rebellion thrown in for good measure.

Three weeks after my profound experience I was laid off along with many others in the first wave of the dot com fallout. Strangely enough, I had a sense of peace through those days and a certainty that God was sifting me. It was not a fun experience but something in me had assurance that good would come out of it all.

I cannot tell you how many times since then that life has given me surprises. Some of them wonderful; most of them not so much. I can say that each and every time God showed up in amazing ways. I remember one day as I was going over the bills and pleading with God to help us pay them. Within the next hour or so I heard the mail truck so I went out to collect the mail. One of my supporters had sent a check that almost exactly matched the sum of those bills! Isaiah 65:23-25, "Before they call, I will answer; while they are yet speaking, I will hear." It was only one of God's many powerful manifestations to me.

When Jack was fired from his job last year, I had absolute faith that something great was coming down the pike. Sure enough, in less than a week he was working here in Colorado Springs. God provided an interum place to stay, a vehicle to replace our 1984 Chevy truck, an apartment and a great place to worship.

So when an opportunity to move into a house came up, I knew that God was once again providing. We had been asking God for months for a place with a yard where we could have Bible studies and a place to have guests come and stay. One small fly in the ointment was that we would have to pay rent at two places for the month of August. We (I should say I because Jack is always reluctant to leap off cliffs) believed that somehow God would take care of the financial gap. Oh, and did I mention that we were already stretched to limit?

Well, color me surprised when God did not show up as he always had. I felt so betrayed. We were not able to pay one bill and there was barely enough money to pay both rents and have gas and groceries. There was that temptation to think that we had made a mistake but somehow I knew that this was meant to be.

After a couple of really rough days, I made the determination that I would continue to look to Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith. We borrowed money from my sister so that we did not lose the car insurance and just walked through the days. I swallowed my pride and got food from the Rescue Mission where I volunteer and from Angel Food Ministries. We made every penney count. We continued to pray and to read the Bible together.

Tomorrow Jack gets paid and we will be able to pay the bills once again. It was awful but we survived and in the midst of it all I remembered something. Just before this all happened, I had told God that I wanted him to take me deeper in my faith. Sigh... No miracles this time but somehow I know that it was another sifting.

Yesterday I read an article by Max Lucado entitled, "What if things only get worse" with a focus on Matthew 24:6. He writes, "Jesus chose a stout term for alarmed that he used on no other occasion. It means "to wail, to cry aloud," as if Jesus counseled the disciples, "Don't freak out when bad stuff happens." When bad stuff happens, not if bad stuff happens.

Just for a moment I forgot where I live. Just for a moment I took my eyes off of Jesus. Just for a moment I forgot that I am in Christ, he is in me and he is in the Father. Just for a moment I freaked out. My faith took a hit but I am better now. Stronger somehow. Willing to keep going.

God is faithful even when I am not.